Pie Rules

Pie Rules  

Oh how I love pie! Is there anyone who doesn't love pie? (Wait. There is, I dated him.  It ended badly. Let's move on.) A well made pie is an exercise in balance-- a flaky crust and a perfectly spiced filling, not too sweet, not too tart.  Pie is my favorite way to start the day and the best way to end a meal.  I can say, without hesitation,  that pie is my favorite food.  When I’m happy, pie is the food I want on my celebration table.  And when I am licking my proverbial wounds, pie is the food that can help edge me out of the darkness.  In short, I love all pie, fruit, cream, pot, even steak and kidney. But the pie that I love above all others is unquestionably apple. Some may not find it terribly exciting but to me, it is perfect.  Not only can you enjoy the quintessential classic but there are so many variations.  It can be a slinky and elegant French apple tart, or a wedge of a workaday American apple pie.  My ideal pie.   

As long as it follows the rules.  

See, there are rules. I’m finicky about crust, fruit thickness and general overall pie-ness.  It should be said, these rules are mine.  While you may have completely different criteria for your pie (even though they would be incorrect.), it’s all about preference.  Pie is one of those beautiful foods that can bend to the bakers preferences.  Establish a few important  points (crust, temperature, ratio) and your pie can be anything you want it to be.  In short, the perfect food.  It must follow the rules.  My rules.  Let’s examine them, shall we:

1.) It’s pie.  Always pie.  Never cake. I realize I’m not going to make any friends with this statement.  People love cake, but for me, it’s all about pie.  Sure, I’ll eat cake at birthdays, and yes, cupcakes can be delightful.  But let’s not veer off course.  PIE.  

2.) Despite my deep and abiding love, I almost never order pie at a restaurant.  See, I’m particular about my pie. And you should be too. No one but a select few, does it exactly the way I like.  I’m particular about the crust and persnickety about the filling. Which brings me to rule number three.  

3.) When it comes to fruit pie, namely apple, it’s all about fruit thickness.  Take apple pie. The apples cannot be too thick (dear Lord above and all the Seraphims, how I hate a crunchy apple pie.)  The apples should be thinly sliced  so that in the baking process they melt down and give up all their sweet, tart essences.  This applies to many apple baked goods, including but not limited to crisps, crumbles, and brown betties. Also, I and I feel like I shouldn't even have to say this, if I ever, EVER find a raisin in my pie, well…you and I would have a serious conversation about your life choices.  

4.) For me, pie should not be served a la mode.  Whipped cream is a must in many situations, cream pies, of course.  And pumpkin and sweet potato pies, yes.  But please do not put ice cream on my pie.  Ice cream is a separate event and should be celebrated thusly.  

Again these are my rules, you may disagree.  If you do disagree, I hope you that have your very own set of pie rules.

Now, apple pie is my very favorite of favorite foods but there are times when I want something just a little different from the comforting original.  A version of apple pie that keeps the balance of fruit and crust but is a brings something new to the table.  Enter apple slab pie. Just say that phrase out loud.  Slab pie!  Pass me a slab of that pie!  How could I resist? Baked in a jelly roll pan or cookie sheet instead of a pie pan, this pie is portable, feeds a crowd and is a thing of rustic beauty.  I mean, look at this!

May I interest you in a slab?

This recipe is inspired by Smitten Kitchen’s version apple slab pie (slab pie!  I just love it so much!)  and she uses an all butter crust.  Usually I use Crisco and I won’t be making a permanent switch but it was a fun challenge to use butter. Like Crisco, it does make a very flaky crust, but you must work very quickly and it requires extra flour to prevent the crust from sticking to the table while rolling.  The flour makes it easier to work with but too much can make the crust tough. That said, there are many opinions about which fat makes the best crust.  To my mind, it’s all about which is your favorite.  

Apple Slab Pie

Crust:

3 ¾ cups all purpose flour

1 ½ tablespoons sugar

1 ½ teaspoon salt

3 sticks very cold unsalted butter.  Before using the butter, cut it into smaller pieces.  

¾ cup very cold water

Filling:

4 pounds apples, peeled, cored and sliced to your desired width.  As I mentioned, I’d sooner eat a Brillo pad than an apple pie made with thickly sliced apples so I like my apples sliced thin...think thinner than a centimeter.  Also, use a combination of two or three baking apples, I used honeycrisp and fuji’s.  

⅔ cup sugar (add more if you like a sweeter pie)

3 tablespoons cornstarch

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

mere sprinkle salt

Finish:

One egg, beaten with 1 tablespoon of water.

Make the Crust:

Mix together the flour, salt and sugar in a large bowl.  Using a pastry blender or two forks and work the butter into the flour until the largest pieces resemble the size of peas.  Gently stir in the water, a little bit at a time, until it becomes  lumpy and barely stays together.  Ever so gently, use your hands and knead it just once or twice to bind the dough.  Separate into two equal pieces.  Wrap in plastic wrap, flatten slightly into a disc and let set in fridge for at least an hour or up to 2 days.

Heat oven to 375 degrees.  Line the bottom of a 10 x 15 x 1 jelly roll pan with parchment paper.  

Filling:

In a large bowl, mix the apples and lemon juice.  Add the remaining ingredients and stir to coat.  

Assemble the Pie:

On a lightly floured surface, roll out the first of the dough discs into a rectangle large enough to cover the bottom of the pan, approx 11 x 18 inches .  You will need to work quickly and keep the dough cold.  If the dough warms, put the whole thing on a piece of wax paper and a cookie sheet and put it in the

freezer for a few minutes until it’s cool enough to roll. This will be a pain.  You will sweat.  You may even swear.  Have faith, this pain will yield a flaky and delicious pie and much rejoicing.   Line the bottom of the pan with rolled dough.  You will want the dough to hang over the edges and there should be enough to fix any mistakes.  Add the sliced apple filling. Roll out the top crust, large enough to cover with some overhang, about 11 x 16 inches.  Seal the edges and add a few one inch slits to act as vents.  Brush with egg mixture and bake until crust is golden, about 40-45 minutes.  Transfer pie to wire rack and cool for about 45 minutes. This pie was excellent at room temperature.   Enjoy!